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i can’t stand to fly
i’m not that naive
i’m just out to find
the better part of me

its not easy to be me

—

i’ve been communicating a lot in the last two days, and my most used words were probably "sorry" and "thank you". it’s true, it’s not easy being where i am today. i dunno how i managed to survive so far, and i dunno how i’m going to be able to survive as the days go on. in fact, there’s a major decision i have to consider at the end of the year now which involves my entire family. but that… i’ll deal with another day.

to those who consider me to be a superman, thanks for the compliment (: but you know perfectly well that you dun envy my position. nobody wants to deal with so many issues at the same time, esp those that cause you emotional turmoil. to my ncc cadets, i thank you for giving me your respect and for looking up to me as a role model. although the label of "the best clt ever" is too flattering, i’m very honoured to be placed in such high esteem in your eyes. and to my classmates and friends, who are surprised at the politics and stuff that i have to deal with, trust me when i say i’m alright! though it’s not easy to be me. like dawn said last night, although God wouldnt want such things to happen in His house of worship, such things are inevitable i guess. i hate politics, and those ppl that know me would know that as well. i just have this knack of being able to get out of certain situations i suppose, hopefully it’s a blessing to possess these self preservation skills.

but no, i dun wanna be superman anymore. as much as i would like to make ppl feel better, feel safe and secure, and to have their utmost confidence, it’s extremely draining to maintain this facade. i’m onli human - weak. vulnerable. flesh.

sometimes i feel like i dun wanna be me anymore, and maybe that’s a silly thing to say. how i wish sometimes that i could live another life - one outside my body, troubles, worries and fears. even heroes have the right to bleed. but then i’d also be giving up my gifts, my blessings, my responsibilities and everything i care about. and then i realise… escapism doesnt solve my problems. i’m just running away, and for what? even heroes have the right to dream.

sure, superman has a secret identity doesnt he? and when he walks ard the street, dressed like your average worker in your average city, who would take notice of him? the indifference ppl show him, the nonchalant attitude that they possess towards him. why does he even bother to protect all these ppl who wouldnt even care about him? which is the facade now - superman, or his alterego?

there’s never been real acknowledgment or appreciation for what he does. i guess that eases the pain a little, because as much as selfless love is concerned, it takes too much out of a person to always give and never receive in return. perhaps it’s sth shameful to you, cos it’s nothing to be proud of, or sth that you’d rather keep under wraps because you fear being labelled, losing the attention you crave, and subsequently alienated by your peers. but ppl should at least give credit where credit is due, that’s sth i believe in.

he never complains, because he cant. he never gives up, because he cant. he can never show his affection for anyone, because he cant. (and if that’s not loneliness i have no idea what is.) so yes, he’ll just be your friend. the friend that you walk past along the corridor and just say hi to. the friend that you talk to when you have no other choice. the friend that is onli your last resort. the kind of friend that you cant be seen with by your other friends.

i feel like that sometimes, and those that know that i do have also seen me in my weakest moments. moments when i feel like i’m only a man in a silly red sheet, asking for trouble by digging for kryptonite on this one way street. you’ve probably heard me cry, onli because i dun let you see it. but i have to put up a strong front anyway, just because i’m a friend to so many other ppl, and esp for those that i treasure and care for. you guys know who you are, because you know i’ve always been there when you’ve needed me. but sometimes, more than ever now… i need someone too.

maybe one day. one day i’ll be somebody’s man of steel. perhaps you’d already found your own, and that hardly concerns me at all. maybe it’s a narrow-minded view, but one person is all i need. i’m looking for a dream. a person that appreciates me, protects me, cares for me, and ultimately loves me. i’m just out to find / the better part of me. that person…

…will be my super[wo]man.